Friday, 8 August 2014

Looking Back To Move Forward

This journey started because I injured myself, like all good stories you need to go back to where it all started. I have never been on an interesting road trip that was straight roads, straight roads are the ones you find yourself thinking are we there yet? How much longer?
Its the twists and the turns, the teeth gripping gorges and beautiful views which take you to the most amazing places. Have I been to some amazing places! And some pretty dark long tunnels too, some of which I thought I might not see that flicker of light at the end.

Waikato hospital, became a very familiar place to have coffee. In the mist of all its renovations of 2008, the don't walk here, follow this "new" corridor that probably won't be here next week notion of appointments my mind use to think wow at least I don't have a terminal illness, and OMG I must be almost better to get back to work soon!

So I had started a new job, a new contract in fact on pretty good dollars for a 26 year old. (Hey I put in the hard yards to get here!) another story...So ready to go back to work, I tried - eight stitches in my left hand, heavy bandage from surgery I attended a meeting, wrote notes with my right hand and "pretended" that the wide eyed stares and whispers of "is she ok" and ummm should she be here!; didn't matter.
Because they didn't at the time! I had a job to do and I was going to do it!

but I couldn't.. and I got the dreaded phone call from my new manager, "Hey look we think your great but ummm talking with HR, ACC and your latest medical certificate, your really not well enough to be here like this" Since I was like a contractor their wasn't much I could do about this.bye bye job.

Work ceased, I paid a lawyer $600 to look into my contract to see if there had been any breaches, we found a few - threw my hands up in the air and was like well I probably need to go away and get better. not an easy system to deal with, be around, talk too, communicate with or even be in.
We will learn more about that in time.

welcome to my new reality...I was unemployed, in pain, and didn't even know what to wear!
My reality before was up at 5am, and hour getting myself sorted, housework, lunches, 3 kids to school and daycare, leave Hamilton by 8am to be at whatever 9am meeting, coffee ooooooh how I loved my coffee!
Purpose! I had a project to do, places to be and people to see.
Identity! I identified with this person, I fitted in to society, I wore nice clothes, I cared about my appearance and I did it while being the girl who was once a high school drop out, who had the baby at 17 but proved to the world I can do it!

But what happens when you can't do it...what happens when your brains signals your hand to move to and function and it doesn't happen, what happens when you can't even change your babies nappy, pick him up to cuddle, or put him in his car seat.
What happens when the mum that worked now has appointments to attend, Doctors writing stuff down with concerned looks, the questions, the medical terms, the future, my life, it all just became a big whirl wind of MESS!

You stop... and Depression kicks in like a big black cloud that won't leave.

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